Whether you consider yourself a Swiftie or not, a small portion of all our brains has been permanently allocated for storing her lyrics (yet we still can’t remember the name of that company our friend works for).
Taylor attended some football games, and N.F.L. ticket sales and viewership skyrocketed. When Taylor posted on Instagram urging people to register to vote, tens of thousands signed up. And, when she wrote a song asking Jake Gyllenhaal to return her scarf, he presumably did. The Illuminati wish they had this kind of power.
Here are some additional ideas for how Taylor can use her influence for the betterment of humankind.
Make the room-temperature standard sixty-nine degrees nationally.
If Taylor were to say that sixty-nine degrees is not too hot and not too cold and is what every American should set their indoor temperature to, we could all finally leave our light layers at home. The Chicks and Muhammad Ali once used their platforms to share strongly held opinions. Taylor could, too.
Fund a remake of “Cats,” but good.
The world hasn’t forgotten the movie that somehow made Idris Elba look ugly. And, in her documentary, Taylor said that she wanted to be on the right side of history. Here’s her chance.
Date a short guy.
When Taylor wore red lipstick, everyone wore red lipstick. When she donned a cardigan, people in ninety-degree Los Angeles heat sweated it out in merino wool. Everyone’s glad she’s finally ditched the British boys for a himbo in her homeland, and, were she to date a short fellow next, the effect on non-tall men’s self-esteem would be astronomical.
Replace all the phones in movies with jars of pickles.
Imagine “Scream,” but Drew Barrymore is running for her life with a jar of dills. It can be tough to get a movie that isn’t “Mean Girls the Movie-Musical Remake of the Musical Which is a Remake of the Movie Which is Based on a Book” made these days. But not for Taylor, who’s got the funds, friends, and a massive following.
Write a song about my ex (and other guys who suck).
Taylor isn’t the only person who’s dated an emotionally unavailable guy who speaks like a Hallmark card but decimates your central nervous system. It’s time for her to release a P.S.A. for the straight women in the tri-state area to watch out for my ex. But why stop there? No one takes down fuckboys and liars better than Taylor. We’re ready for her to slam Clarence Thomas next. Some might say the lyric “You call me up again just to break me like a promise,” might be about him already.
Pay tuition for English majors.
The next great breakup-song connoisseur is being forced to major in business for practical reasons. Do you want the melancholy poet who writes stuff like “Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere,” to be doing your taxes? They’ll probably mess them up with their tears. Thankfully, this billionaire’s got the power to help.
Put cooking measurements in her lyrics.
Thanks to Gwen Stefani, we learned how to spell “banana,” and, thanks to Fergie, many continue to be confused about the spelling of “tastey.” The average American listens to Taylor Swift for hours each week. So why not put useful info in there? Like the fact that one cup is eight ounces and sixteen tablespoons. No more Googling while our hands are covered in flour.
Give up her private jet.
Did you hear about “CO2 Emissions (Taylor’s version)”? The impact she could have if she simply flew Southwest is remarkable. Should one person have this much influence on the planet Earth? Maybe not. But, look, let’s work with what we have.
Say anything at all, really.
Congress can’t get rid of daylight savings, even though the only ones who want to keep it are vampires, but a single post from Taylor could fire up the Swiftie vote and change that today. She’s got the power to tweet, and reach every ear, in the palm of her hands. Taylor can make like the title of her third studio album, and “Speak Now.” Yes, that comes with great personal risk. But, after all, she is “Person of the Year.” ♦
