Every year, we make the same promises to ourselves: we’ll get in shape. We’ll start saving. We’ll stop following Nancy home from the office. But every year we break these promises.
Why? Because promises are flimsy, inconvenient, and outdated. In short, they’re the last things we want to keep. I once swore a blood oath to avenge an unforgivable insult to my mother’s honor. But guess what? I wiggled out of it at the last minute.
And I’m not alone. I recently listened to half of a TED Talk by a science guy who basically proved that saying we’ll do something but then not doing it is instinctual. So it’s human nature. Fact: Breaking promises is in our DNA.
Using that key insight, how can we reposition ourselves for greater success in the New Year?
NO MORE PROMISES
That’s right. This is our mantra for 2016. The only commitment we’re making is to a hundred per-cent promise-free life style. Let’s practice: Is someone at work asking if you’re “coming in at all this week”? No promises. Can you commit to at least ten minutes of physical activity a day? No promises. “Sir, burritos are not allowed in the theatre. Would you mind—” I SAID NO PROMISES.
Instead of a bunch of worthless promises, this year, we’re going to transform our lives through the power of life-hacks. Life-hacks go by many names—cheat codes, shortcuts, loopholes, weird tricks, secrets—but I can guarantee you that applying them to your life will make you successful and rabidly beloved by all.
THE TWO PILLARS OF SUCCESS
Some people say there are seven secrets to success; others say there are eighty-seven. I’m sure there are probably millions, if you count all the little ones. But we’re going to boil it down to two secrets, because wasting time isn’t one of them.
Create Your Own Luck
Has a wrinkly old man in the park ever told you that getting pooped on by a bird is actually good luck? Well, he wasn’t just hitting on you—it happens to be true! But you can’t always wait for good luck to come your way. Sometimes you have to smear your entire body with pigeon guano and head down to the local horse track.
Live in the Moment
Not long ago, “mindfulness” wasn’t even a word. But nowadays, every hard-charging C.E.O. practices mindfulness, and the field of mindfulness is pretty cutthroat. So you’ll have to be twice as mindful as the next guy to get ahead. That’s why I take seven Provigils every morning. By mid-afternoon, I’m so mindful I can see through walls, and most nights it takes three or four orderlies to put me down. The point is, you can get Provigils on Craigslist.
Easy, right? You’re probably a millionaire by now. But what’s success without friends to share it with—and lord it over?
THE THREE KEYS TO INSANELY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Reality Check: I was thirty-five, and had it all—the studio apartment with the good water pressure; half a pound of prosciutto in the fridge; a mild and manageable case of irritable bowel syndrome. But I wasn’t happy. Because I wasn’t sharing.
For so long, I didn’t want to share, like some sort of child. I threw tantrums if anyone touched my Go-Gurts. Then it hit me: there’s plenty of room at the top of the mountain. Especially the one I’m on, which is more of a plateau. From up here, I can see clearly now. When it comes to relationships, whether we’re talking about friends or lovers, it’s all about sharing.
Share Your Struggles
These days, too many of us focus on appearing successful and mentally stable. But guess what, Superman? **It’s O.K. to be vulnerable.** When you’re feeling down, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to call friends and dump your endless stream of problems on them. Or better yet, meet up for dinner, sulk silently the entire time, and snatch the last bite of all the tapas. There really is no wrong way to let your friends know you’re not perfect.
Share Your Victories
Just as it’s important to become despondent when faced with the slightest setback, it’s also essential to gloat when things miraculously go your way. Did you manage to not fuck up a sale at work? Throw a ball of crumpled-up paper at your co-worker’s head and scream, “Curry for three!” Did you somehow snag a second date this weekend? Post a heartfelt prayer for all your Facebook friends who haven’t met “the one” yet. Whatever you do, reach out. It can get pretty lonely in the winner’s circle.
Share Your Secrets
Intimacy is the foundation of our most rewarding relationships, so you’ll want to establish it A.S.A.P. With romantic interests, the shortcut to genuine intimacy is to share secrets of an incredibly personal nature at the earliest stage possible. Dudes, did your mom feed you from a bottle until you were eight? Spill the beans. Ladies, do you sometimes get aroused when a cat sits on your lap? Share that info for instant intimacy!
That’s it, guys. Block out some time to absorb these takeaways. And keep an eye out for my next post: “Love in the Time of Soylent Farts.”
